What I Learned Through a Little Life Who I Never Met
Miscarriage. It's a word that no one likes and no one wants to even say. In fact, even writing it now is hard. It's something that can make someone feel very alone. Either no one else knows about it, or they don't know what to say or how to act. As many as 1 in 4 pregancies ends in miscarriage, but in some ways, we would never realize that because it's something to avoid talking about and keep hidden. For me, that was one of the hardest things about having a miscarriage. It was like telling people this part of me that no one was supposed to know. And since it's such a taboo topic, it made me feel guilty even talking about it sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Was this my fault? Should I have done something different? These thoughts and many more were going through my head.
3 years ago this month, we found out that we were going to be parents. It was something that both excited and terrified us at the same time. Having a baby wasn’t something that I felt like I had to do to be complete. In fact, I was a little scared to be a mom and was fine without having kids, but I was also excited about the possibility of becoming a mom. As soon as I found out I would be a mom, my mind went crazy. So many things to think about. I realized I knew next to nothing about pregnancy, childbirth, how to raise a child, etc. I used google a lot. There were so many weird feelings going on that I found myself constantly googling things. My heart was full of excitement, fear, nerves, and uncertainty. Was the baby ok? Was it a boy or a girl? When was the baby going to come? So many thoughts, and so many questions. We waited with anticipation for three weeks until our doctor’s appointment. My husband was constantly there to help me since I was sick as a dog, plus I was so scared and he always just held my hand.
That day finally came when we would go find out how the pregnancy was going. I knew there was a possibility that everything wasn’t ok. As we sat at our appointment and found out that things didn’t look good, my heart sank. Not only were they not sure that the baby was ok, they weren’t sure if the baby was not ok either. That made things even more difficult. We just had to wait and see what happened. We spent the next month and a half going to numerous doctors appointments and ultrasounds. Sometimes they were very hopeful, and sometimes they were very sure that something was wrong. It was a roller coaster ride. I’ve never been a fan of waiting, but when the waiting involves the precious little life inside of you, that wait is excruciating.
We found out we were having a baby in early January. In early March after all the appointments, we found out that the baby was pretty much for sure not ok. Those two months in between were hard. It was like our life was on hold. People would ask us about plans for later in the year and we didn’t know how to answer. During those couple of months, we also learned more about ourselves, God, and life than we had in a while. I think before those two months, I kind of thought, but wouldn’t have admitted, that I had things under control. When there was nothing I could do but wait, I finally realized that I was not in control of my life. My life along with everyone and everything in it was in God’s hands. It felt scary at first, but the more I learned about who God is, the more I felt at peace about it. I was reminded over and over again that God was good, God was in control, and God loved me. Sometimes I didn’t want to say those things or even hear them. Sometimes I felt like they couldn’t be true. But in the quiet moments of my heart, I knew they were the truth. And it comforted me like nothing else could. That is probably the first time in my life when I understood what it meant to speak truth to myself. I didn't want to believe the truth, so it was something I constantly had to tell myself. God is good. God is in control. God loves me.
I never got to know that little baby. And that hurt deep inside. It hurt to know I would never hold him or her. I would never even know the gender. But I also knew that baby would never have to go through the pain we experience daily. Since we didn’t know if it was a boy or girl, we named the baby Jordan. Jordan taught us about faith, hope, and love in ways we never had known. Heaven was now more beautiful to us. We learned quickly how fragile life is. There is nothing I can do to keep someone alive. Life is in God's hands. It was also a reminder of the Gospel. This world is indeed broken by sin, and because of that there is death. Death and suffering hurt, but that makes heaven even more glorious, and the ultimate victory of Christ over all death and sin so much more victorious. Just think about it, there will be no tears in heaven! God will wipe them away. No death, no sorrow, no pain. And while we are here on earth, we are able to have so many good gifts to enjoy. Like motherhood. I never valued motherhood in a sense until I became a mother and that was taken away. I realized what a precious gift that was. Each child, each beautiful thing, each day- they are all gifts from our Heavenly Father. I thanked Him for giving me the gift of being a mother, even though it might have only been for those three months of pregnancy. My heart had been changed forever by that precious baby.
If you are going through losing a baby, take heart. There will be ups and downs, but joy truly does come in the morning! I’ll be real here. There were times when I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything except watch TV and eat junk food. There were times when the tears flowed. There were times that I never wanted another baby for fear of the same thing happening again. And there were also times where God felt so close to me I could almost feel His arms around me. But through all those different times, God was faithful. He never left me. He continued to comfort and teach me. And that is how we grow in life. Through all those ups and downs, God is teaching us. He is teaching us about Himself, about the Gospel, about ourselves, and about life itself. Let's not miss what He is doing in us, even through those heartbreaking times of life.
Thank you for reading. I hope it was encouraging! In the future, I want to blog about how to help someone who is dealing with a miscarriage. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and I hope to help people understand and deal with miscarriage better in a world where it's not talked about often.